Ryan Maddux-Lawrence: Celebrations

Not so many years ago, I was in wonderful physical condition.  I worked out six days a week and enjoyed a dress size in the single digits despite my reluctance to eat a “clean” junk free diet.  I could run for miles and lift my body weight; I had a BMI worthy of boasting, I was flexible, strong, toned and confident.

Ryan and I would often meet at the gym for a workout and he would advise me on proper body alignment, exercises he had heard about to target certain stubborn trouble spots and discuss his love and addiction to CrossFit.  “Mom, Dad…you guys need to try CrossFit….the workouts are fun and the results are amazing ….you gotta try it.”  And so we did; Randy and I tried to follow the CrossFit intensity with Ryan as our cheerleader and drill instructor.

I cherish the memories of the workouts Ryan and I shared in the gym.  It didn’t matter to me what we were doing, I just loved being with my son.  Working out gave me the excuse I needed and used to spend time with Ryan; he could never resist when I called asking him to meet me at the gym.   When Randy and I would visit Ryan while he was stationed at Camp Lejeune, we would hit the gym and pump iron surrounded by Marines.  I think it gave Ryan a sense of pride that his parents were in pretty wicked shape.

Today I’m not sure Ryan would recognize me…there are days I don’t recognize myself!  It is shocking the toll grief and stress can take on your body.  Some who are experiencing grief become thin and frail; I, on the other hand, am packing on pounds faster than Usain Bolt’s sprint in the 100 meter dash in London’s 2012 Olympic Games.

Grief has aged me a decade in the last three years in the same way we can visibly see the aging of our presidents due to the tremendous demands and stresses they are subjected to daily.    Fortunately, Clairol  and Cover Girl do a pretty good job of masking the grey hair and dark circles under my eyes.

As Randy and I head to Rome to celebrate Drew and Briana’s marriage and commitment to each other and to Jackson, I am trying to focus on all that is  positive and meaningful.  I am grateful for yet another occasion for our family to celebrate together…to hold each other close…to have the opportunity to sit down and share the things that are on our hearts and going on in our lives.

Ryan’s absence will most certainly be felt, by all of us. I know that in the midst of all the joy, sorrow will make its brief appearance.  Seeing Kyle, Cole and Drew together, watching them harass, tease and talk to each other with affection and ease and knowing Ryan would be the ring leader makes the missing of him that much greater.

But we will celebrate ….the love, the courage, the kindness, the commitment, the struggles, the achievements, the heartaches, the laughter,  the loss, the “good, the bad and the ugly.”  Ryan wouldn’t want it any other way and neither do we.

And so, the journey continues….